100 Best Ron Swanson Quotes

Ronald Ulysses Swanson is a famous character of portrayed in the situation comedy television series. He is being a very private person which is including getting his birthdate hide from all public things. And he was born in a small town and grew up in a farm. Ron is shown to have enjoyed wood working in his early age through building his first chair at five years old. And also, he was conflicted child labor laws and started his first job in a sheet metal factory at nine years old. At age eleven, he could be got a higher paying job at the tannery and attempted to do both jobs. Ron asked for and went to prom and was working at a quarry at the age of twelve years. At age of fifteen, he was moved with his first wife who is Tammy.

               Ron Swanson had been as a Director of Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department for six years and he is an extremely strong and powerful advocate for small government. And also, Ron is an outdoor enthusiast who loves hunting, fishing, camping and wood working. He has used a park ranger station in the woods as a lodge for private hunting trips with his male colleagues at city hall. Ron likes more in fishingand describes about it as fishing is like a yoga,except I still get to kill something. But Swanson is very private person and he want to hide his information from other parties. Sometimes he was doing things as very misunderstand and careless.

01. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”

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02.  “An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.”

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03. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”

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04. “Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?”

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05. “Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.”

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06. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

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07.“Breakfast food can serve many purposes.”

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08.”Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.”

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09.“Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

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10.” Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.”

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11.  “Child labor laws are ruining this country.”

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12. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

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13. “Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.”

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14. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

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15. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”

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16.  [Describing his allergies] “Cowardice and Weak Willed Men… and Hazelnuts”

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17. [Describing his sexual history]  “Epic. and Private.”

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18. “Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.”

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19. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”

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20. “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.”

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21.“Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

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22. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

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23. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.”

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24. “Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.”

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25.“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”

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26.“Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”

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27. “Haha, “Euro-trash,” I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.”

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28.“Hey Mark. This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy’s better looking sister.”

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29. “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”

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30. “I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.”

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31.

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32.“I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”

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33. “I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.”

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34. “I have accrued two hundred and twenty five personal days starting right now I’m using all of them. While I’m gone your in charge. Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.”

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35.“I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.”

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36.” I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.”

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37.“I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.”

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38.“I prefer quality over flash – that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.”

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39. ” I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.”

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40.“I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.”

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41. “I was born ready. I’m Ron Fucking Swanson.”

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42.  “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.”

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43.  “I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 mins.”

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44. “I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.”

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45. “I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…”

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46. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”

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47. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”

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48. ”If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.”

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49. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”

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50. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

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51.“I’m not interested in caring about people.”

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52. ”In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.”

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53.  “Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?”

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54.“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”

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55. Leslie: “Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?”

Ron: “People are idiots, Leslie.”

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56.  “Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.”

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57. ” Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.”

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58. ”My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.”

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59. ” My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.”

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60. “My name is Ron Swanson. I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government.”

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61. “My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.”

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62. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”

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63. “No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.”

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64. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”

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65. “OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me!”

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66. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

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67. “On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.”

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68. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”

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69.  “Passing the Buck. The last refuge of the cowardly and Blackhearted.”

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70.  “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.”

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71.Ron Swanson’s rules for a BBQ: “There will be no froof-y desserts. There will be no giant soap bubble guns. There will be no adult men in costumes. And most of all, there will be no f#^%ing vegetables.”

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72. “Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.”

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73. “So you talked to Tammy? What’s it like to stare into the eye of Satan’s butthole?”

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74. “Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.”

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75. [On bowling]” Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”

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76.  “Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.”

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77.Talking about an IPod: “TOM PUT ALL MY RECORDS INTO THIS RECTANGLE. THE SONGS JUST PLAY ONE AFTER THE OTHER. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT RECTANGLE.”

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78. “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”

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79.  “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”

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80.  “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

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81. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

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82. “The only reason anyone is going to this thing is because they’re afraid of what Marlene will do to them if they don’t. That women is tough. In 1994 I gave her a nickname, it’s unrepeatable, but it stuck. It’s my proudest accomplishment. It’s the iron c*ck shredder of Pawnee.”

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83.  “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”

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84. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”

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85. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”

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86.” There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.”

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87.“There is only one bad word: taxes.”

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88. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.”

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89. ”This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package.”

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90.  “Turkey can never beat cow.”

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91.  “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”

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92. “Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.”

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93. ” We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech.”

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94. “Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.”

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95.  “Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.”

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96. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”

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97. ” When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!”

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98.  “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

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99. “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’”

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100.  You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

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